by Joe Delehanty

After a recent stressful break-up with an on again off again partner of 4 years, I decided to give myself a break from dating (some might say the gay community was getting a break from me!). However, I've been conditioned, particularly as a gay man, to socialize through gay bars. Now come on, on any Friday or Saturday night when you're bored, the bars and an easy and obvious choice. However, as most of the readers of this editorial will surely agree, the bars get old rather quick. Regardless, old habits die hard and although I was giving myself time and space to work on myself and develop platonic relationships, I found/find myself still showing up at local bars now and then, only to be completely disappointed, mainly in myself, but with the "scene" as well.

So I decided to make myself busy and make new friends. I joined some volunteer activities and met some great people, but no one I could truly say became a friend. However, through doing some volunteer work, I kept on receiving free tickets to Golden State Warriors games. So I would call everyone I knew and after about 10 or 12 phone calls, I still couldn't find anyone to go with. Did I mention the word FREE!?!? Sure, there was not much notice, but shit, is everyone THAT busy on a weeknight that they can't escape their exciting lives for a few hours? Not only were the tickets FREE, but I would also offer to drive and to pay for parking, the toll, etc… Some people's responses were: "What are the Warriors?" and "Is that in the city?"

God forbid a gay SF man should explore life beyond the bridge. So finally, one guy agreed to go, although we were late, as he had to work late, we had a few beers, watched the game and had a great time. It was no surprise that I later found out, after I joined the group, that he was just a "Regular Guy" too.

OK, so I want to make platonic friends outside of the bars who aren't going to be focused on getting into my pants, have other hobbies & interests besides disco, booze and drugs, bears and leather and who I could relate to; guys who wanted to make friends with other guys, naturally, around similar hobbies and interests. Well come on, this is SF, the gay Mecca, right? So I got off my lazy duff and did some research: BEHOLD! Thanks to a group of dedicated people, Regular Guys was in existence and exactly what I was looking for (well, almost exactly. The group was fine, but at first, I was slightly unclear on exactly what I wanted.) Don't get me wrong. I don't want to come off as bitter. The bars serve their purpose and I'm not saying you'll never catch me again in bar dressed in leather shit-faced and chasing some bear or disco dancing or in the backroom of the Power House. I am still a gay man, but I want more, much more out of life, as well as the gay community.

So, the old habits and bar mode part. I realized that I was still operating in bar mode and so were a few other guys I was meeting. I was like a kid in a NEW candy shop: I'll ask this one out and I'll send that one e-mail…. WHOA! Hold on…slow down…what I am really here for I asked myself? To fuck my way right through and eventually out of the group? Hell no…I'm here to make positive healthy platonic friendships, naturally through common interests, hobbies and goals with other like minded gay men.

Someone who has become a true friend in short time really taught me something, by setting an example. We were at the St. Patrick's Day party and we met a guy whom he found attractive. I said, "go for it, give him your number, get his e-mail!". "No hurry" he said, I'll see him at the next event and the one after that and the one after that too." POW!!! It hit me. I'm not in a bar, I don't have to decide in five minutes if I like this guy. I don't have to decide right now if I want to sleep with him or exchange phone numbers or email addresses. That's one of the beautiful things about the group. I can participate in events with people over a period of time and see if I first even like them, and then second, would consider a date with this person. You see, I was operating in "Bar Mode" even outside of the gay bars, which is unfortunately, how most gay men are conditioned to behave.

I must admit, I did make some mistakes at first, before I was enlightened and took a look at what I was doing. First of all, I'm not even ready for a boyfriend, but when I am, I want to get to know someone, well, before I consider them for dating. I don't want to go out on a date only because someone is physically attractive, only to find out on the second date that I don't really even care for who they are as a person. When I am ready again to date, I plan to do it right. If my next boyfriend is from Regular Guys, he will be someone with whom I have common interests, hobbies and goals. He will be someone I like as a person and a friend first and foremost, which can not be determined within the constraints of 5-minute bar mode.

To summarize: I'm here to make friends. Not to get laid or find a boyfriend. If I find a boyfriend at some point through the group, fine, I don't think that's frowned upon. But I must remind myself to slow down and remember why I'm in the group, and more importantly, what the group is for.

If there were a strict rule that stated: No dating and no sex within the group for new members for the first three months….. I wonder how many people would still join and how many people would quit. So I ask myself and ask you to ask yourself: What am I doing in this group and what does this group exist for?